Breaking from TTC

Matt and I had a long conversation last night. One of the things we discussed was taking a TTC break. Not because we want to but because emotionally I need it. I have the mind set of let go and let God. Now we aren't going to do any form or birth control so if it happens naturally then great!!! But for now, if it doesn't I have got to focus on getting in better health. I need to get my weight back under control and start mentally andemotionally preparing for the long road to baby. Which I think I am going to name my blog. In the long run, whether I get pregnant now or later, my child will be brought into being through less stress and better health for both of us. I have also decided to go ahead and go to grad school. The way I get the bulk of my schooling done so that when baby does come, I'll be able to devote every minute to him or her!!! If you have any comments or suggestions please feel free to tell me!!! Also I would like to know if anyone else has taken the break and wat they are doing/ did and the benefits!! Thanks sincerely!!!

Dear Mommy's Future angel...

Dear sweet angel!

I know we haven't met yet, but I have sincere faith that we will in the VERY near future! I am still not sure how you will get here (ie Natural conception, IVF, IUI, surragocy, or adoption) but NO MATTER how you get here, YOU WILL BE LOVED! I long to meet you and hold you in my arms. Even now, I forever hold you in my heart. Getting to you has proven not to be an easy journey. I felt the need to write you so one day you may see how much of a miracle you will be to me!!!

On a daily basis I get that aggravating question.... DO you have kids? or Do you want kids? Well, why yes I do! I have worked hard for my child the past three years. I have cried many tears. And yet, at the end of every day, I still long for my child to be a part of me.

There are days when I want to give up or days when I say it will never happen. But then, I think about the love for you I already feel. There are so many dreams I have for you. So many things I want you to experience. Just know that Mommy has ALWAYS wanted you adn will ALWAYS love you no matter what you may do in life. I know you are going to make mistakes, but Ill wrap you in my arms and hope you feel the love I have for you.

Please forgive me angel, if you become an only child. After so much heartache and pain, I dont know if Mommy and Daddy could handle all this again and still give you the love that you need! We have taken every last ounce of our being to bring you into our lives that I feel very certain your attention that you will require will be limited if we try to give you a sibling. I would love to have many children but sometimes dear, things dont go the way we want them to! Take your life for instance. I wanted you at 19 and now I am 22 and I am still not sure where you are.

When its all over with Angel, Just know you have two loving parents who fought oceans to get you here. And I'll continue to move mountains until I can say you are mine.

With the most unconditional love,

Mommy

After the Trip

Ok. OUR TRIP WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was just what I needed to help me relax and take time to stop stressing about finding a job and TTC. Dont get me wrong, I still cared about TTC, but the job thing, yea didnt think about it the whole time! We went to Atlantis while in Nassau and that was amazing. We didnt even get to do everything we had hoped to do. Now, the trouble of waiting begins. Waiting to see if i got the only "soveneir" i cared about. Im not going to stress and worry, bc at this point, I will make myself sick. If this is another failed month, I think Ill go insane. Yesterday, I received a call for a second job interview at a middle school. that shows me hope in the job aspect. Now, if I can just NOT sound like a complete idiot when I go in there. I have learned there are so many more BFP in the TTC world (congrats to you ladies) as well as positives in more and more people I work with. Including another 16 year old. That is the hardest thing about working where I currently do. I see so many ppl living off welfare but yet popping out kid after kid. I mean like 6-7 kids. And then I see teen parents coming in. Who dont even really care about there child. Just wanted to give a little update. And here is a beautiful pic of the Bahamas :)

This is in Nassau (Cable Beach, behind Atlantis resort) SOOO pretty :)

On my trip to the Bahamas (july 7-12) IM changingmy identity and not returning.

Why do I feel like I am wasting all my time and energy to be the person  I want to be. This whole week has just been a mixed-emotion week. I have been on a ROUGH roller coaster and I DONT GET IT!! I also dont understand How I had four lovely cycles and then the fifth decided it was going to be 37 days long. I mean, thats better than 90+, but still. It has my hormones outta balance. And I had just got them under some what control. Oh. And today. My coworker (who just recently had her child; yall have heard my discussions) brought the baby in. ANd to my surprise, I held her. I dont know if its bc I thought about darting out the door with the child or I did it out of spite, you knwo, the kill them with kindness kinda deal? Anywho. The cruise is coming up and with recent Cycle events, I think maybe this can be our "baby moon" and the only souvenir I look forward to bringing home is BABY!! I could tell...for the first time.... that telling Matt AF came this month, That he was crushed. He knows how bad I want it, and he also knows he isnt getting any younger......

Tell Me Tuesdays

Since I have been struggling lately with what I want/need to say. I want you guys to tell me what you want to know. You can leave it in a comment and if its something simple, I can Ill answer in a comment back. But if not, Ill post a blog. Maybe that will get me out of writerss block and let you all learn some things that you want to know!!


Tiff <3

*~* Wordless Wednesday*~*

Before Infertility

Before Infertility....
I didnt know what it was like to long for the flutters in my tummy.

Before Infertility...
I didnt know I was going to struggle being Mommy.

Before Infertility...
I could look a teen mothers, and just know they were going to struggle without being mad at their blessing.

Before Infertility...
I didnt cry day in and day out just wishing for a chance to have what every one else got to experience.

Before Infertility...
I didnt dream of what my future life as a mommy would be (adoption, IVF, etc).

Before Infertility...
I was me. My life wasnt ruled by counting cycle days; temping; using OPKs.

Before Infertility...
I had normal conversations with people about my plans for a family.

Before Infertility...
I didnt know I wouldnt have a simple one-time and Im pregnant ordeal.

Before Infertility...
I was alive. I had a personality. I was a person with no cares in the world.

But that was all before infertility....... And you guys understand! I appreciate that a lot!

Baby Dust!
Trying Tiff

*~*Wordless Wednesday*~*

Graduation :) A milestone many thought Id never reach:) I did it with my baby by myside (excuse the gross-mess)

*~* WORDLESS WEDNESDAY*~*

 My neice (Chasity; flowergirl) and ME on our big day!

2010; a New year with a brighter future?

I THINK SOOOO!!!! Things  are happening for me. I am finishing student teaching. Tomorrow is my LAST day. I got nominated (and joined) Kappa Delta Pi (an international honor society for education majors) and I graduate college on May 4th. I have had interviews galore (though i am still waiting on my  place in the world; maybe Wednesday's interview will be it {its the job I want}). So far, I am 3-1 for cycles! Which makes me estatic... I am so used to only getting three to four visits from AF a year, that having three in a row makes me happy. The bad news on April 21 was I was not pregnant; the good news was, my third cycle started after only 32 days :) Which means, I have to be ovulating again. We are going to do everything possible to make sure this works for us! I think our cruise may end up being our "baby moon" and knowing my luck, thats when my angel when come into my life :D I am starting to be more positive about things. I appreciate everything you guys have said and done for me. The prayers, the baby dust, all of it! PLEASE CONTINUE! Matt's dad is talking about grandchildren..... how am I supposed to tell him i am having problems?! Any ideas or suggestions are greatly appreciated. My mom knows. His mom knows, but of course she is ok with it. Both of Matt's sisters know, but they are praying that I am blessed with a miracle too. I wish all of you the best of luck and send the baby dust to you guys. Continue your journeys as if nothing is a problem. Remember, its all for YOUR baby. To those with BFP- congrats! I am happy for you. To those who are going through the challenges of recovering from their loss, you have to continue to be strong. God has another purpose for your child.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they WILL be comforted.
Psalm 145:16 Thou open thy hand and satisfy the DESIRE of every living thing.

God will never leave nor forsake you. He is going to provide for each one of us on our TTC journeys:)

Always,
Trying Tiff

*~* Wordless Wednesday*~*

Matt and I on our first Valentines day ( 7 months into our relationship)

Life UNexpected.....

CD 21....and still NO positive OPK...... But I have managed to fail an important exam; I now have to pay to retake it. I have also managed to NOT get a job. I am falling into depression again, and I am trying to avoid that. I have few friends anymore that understand and the ones taht do, they are AMAZING! They are trying to prevent that from happening. Yesterday was a HORRIBLE day. I mean literally. And I am ready to be out of high school student teaching. If it wasnt enough my classroom is right beside a teen PARENTING class, I have noticed more and more pregnant teens. It looks soo easy for them.... but where does that put me. And if one more person ask "When are you going to have a child" I may officially snap.

I am going to continue to live my life with my head held high! I want nothing but the best for all of you :)


*Trying Tiff *

Wow... A short Cycle!!!

Hey guys!!! So I am just checking in with you guys! I think EVERYTHING may be starting to work out. Not only baby wise, but just all around. God is truely  blessing Matt and I! Any way---- the main purpose of this post is to say.....................






I HAD A 37 DAY CYCLE!!!!!I am sooooo shocked! I am sooo used to sixy plus days! I dont know what is going on, but I LIKE IT!! Keep praying that everything continues to work out.


Tommorrow, I have my first professional interview :) I am nervous, but also NOT worried. I know that God will take care of me!! 


Trying Tiff :)

****Wordless~Wednesday*****

Ok, Ill jump on the band wagon :) Thanks Again, Court! LOL

Dont Get me Wrong. (OOOH and pics of my Lucy Loo Pom)

I love all of my friends and I love their children. Yesterday we had a get together and Matt and I  had a blast..... BUUUT i have to admit, I was depressed because we were the only ones without a child (except the youngins :) ) ANNNND then.... a couple came in with a child that none of us knew except the host and they ticked me off about their little one.... ANOTHER DAY!! But then when we left Matt told me seeing me with the baby and being motherly made him want one even more than before..... I went out last nite as DD to the Blind Horse with a couple of my single girls and low and behold, THERE WAS A FRIGGIN PREGNANT LADY!! In a bar!! I mean, WTH!!!

Trying Tiff <3

The stress and Strain on Marriage and Infertility...

I am not sure everyone elses struggles and stress, but I do know that for Matt and I, this struggle has caused a lot of stress. I am at breaking point ALL the time. I want to do nothing but cry. He says not to give up and that a baby will happen in time. Yea, easy for him to say when he isnt the one having the problems. Sometimes Ifeel like he just doesnt care, but I know he does. I see the side of him noone else sees because he hides emotion when we are around others. He is quiet and reserved. but at home, he talks about these things. Once he has even cried. he will be 27 next month and he still has no child or any hopes of one. When I'm depressed, I get angry, with a vengance. Not only at him, but other people as well. When I am angry at him, it causes us to argue. Over stupid stuff, about how loud the tv is, how long he plays the game, you know just the little things. I know this is a problme, but even when he tries to console me, I try to find ways to make him look bad. Gosh! I am a HOOOORRIBLE person. Sometimes, I think he is just going to leave me bc I am crazy and "broken" to find someone who is fertile and whose hormones are normally balanced out. My friends think I am crazy too. I cant seem to do anything right here lately and I cant find myself. I have longed for so long to be a mother. And its hard on me.  I cant even work anymore bc it kills me to see all these young, unwed mothers and i have to think to myself, WOW they can reproduce and I cant. What is the world coming to? I am not sure just yet. I am trying to move from my apartments bc there are so many children around and it breaks my heart. Then the one girl who just movedin, just got married in jan. I have known her since HS. She has one child, BTW was born before marriage andis preggo with ANOTHER, who once again was conceived before marriage. The child she has isnt even a year old. It irritates me a lot. And then I am getting sick of people asking me when are you going tohave kids. My simple response is we're working on it and last night, I actually asked someone if they wanted details. I had reached ultimate b*tch. I cant believe I did that. ITs just some people think its like magic, and for most it is, But for people like me, it takes more than a one night stand, or scheduled babymaking. It takes a miracle by the Grace of God with the help of his people (doctors) Ok. sorry to rant. I am  just really depressed right now.


Trying Tiff

...And the day goes on...

So for those of you who are valentiney... Happy Belated valentines day. I dont really "celebrate". I have always hated the day and think it is a pointless day for you to go spend money on someone. Your significant other should show you that you are their LOVE and SWEETHEART everyday not just once... ok any way, sorry for the rant.

Winter Wonderland

The SNOW was amazing! Soft and fluffy. Real stuff. Not the icey stuff. It was soo much fun. Matt and I enjoyed a walk with Lucy Loo (my pomeranina, my furry child) who LOOOOVES the snow. We actually got enough that when she was jumping around in it, her legs where completely covered. She was jumping around like a rabbit and would pause a few mins to eat some and then go again. I hate that its gone and she has no more to play in... Then we went out and waited in the neighbors. UNtil they came out with their little ones, we had a snow ball fight and wrestled around. Then we made a snowwoman. Matt HAD to put boobs on it! But since it has all almost melted away... Its time for SUMMER. 143 days until my BAHAMAS CRUISE!! Woohooo!!
I made homemade mashed potatoes for lunch/dinner today and hamburger steak. Both were delicious but while slicing the potatoes, I sliced my finger. I reckon thats what the "finger guard" on my slicer is for. I blacked out really bad. O, it was horrible. I thought I was going to die. But I am fine. And 6 hours later, I think we have the bleeding stopped..... Still waiting on AF to go away! Valentines day tomorrow...

TryingTiff

This *COULD* be the month.....

....Fingers crossed. I wasnt expecting her for another month or so, but AF decided to come pay me a visit today. Which is good and bad. Bad that I have to tolerate the pain (which will be well worth it if I get my wish) but good in the sense that I have a fighting chance this month. I am going to be really strict on myself this month. I will follow my BBT daily as well as try to be less stressed. I am going to get an OPK.... name some good ones for me..... Also, anyone else have any pointers on what I can do for myself. Maybe this can be our month!


Still Trying,
Tiff

Exhaustion and Sickness

Soooo for the past like 3-4 weeks, it doesnt seem like I can get enough sleep. I sleep and I sleep but I still wake up exhausted. I wake up feeling naseus (sp) and even somethings make me throw up. I dont get it. Now, if it was because of pregnancy, I wouldnt care! But its not. SO WHY! Why doI have to suffer and it not be for the reason i want it to be. I thought maybe this month would be different, but I have taken already 2 tests, and they are both negative. i am soon to reschedule an appt and i guess im going to go back on the pill for awhile...

Initial Rants and Raves

As long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a mother of two, healthy children. Everything looked promising. UNTIL I got married. Once I got married, my cycles began to become infrequent, once every three months. They blamed my weight, but I have always been a bigger girl and kept normal cycles. Then they did SOME testing and said that it could be PCOS. The doctors put me on birth control, what TTCing person wants BC????? I took it for about 6 months, having normal cycles, until I started to gain a little weight, and I stopped taking it. For a few months to follow, I had a normal cycle, but then it started again. Ihave yet to be able to conceive my first child after being unprotected for 2.5 years. I find it very difficult to sit back and watch newlyweds conceive children. But what is even worse, is watching teens and other people who sleep with multiple partners, get pregnant. They have the opportunity to bring a child into the world into an already broken home, and unstable environments. I dont want to be bitter, but it simply IS NOT FAIR! I long to be a mother and everyday I hope I get one step closer to fixing my infertility problems. I do plan on looking into adoption in the near future. I thank Courtney, a dear friend of mine who has a beautiful, active 2 yr old, but who is now suffering with secondary infertility, for opening my eyes and bringing me out of a stage where I wouldnt talk to anyone about it. She has convinced me that I am NOT the only one struggling, and together, we can overcome these battles.