Sunday, February 28, 2010

Dont Get me Wrong. (OOOH and pics of my Lucy Loo Pom)

I love all of my friends and I love their children. Yesterday we had a get together and Matt and I  had a blast..... BUUUT i have to admit, I was depressed because we were the only ones without a child (except the youngins :) ) ANNNND then.... a couple came in with a child that none of us knew except the host and they ticked me off about their little one.... ANOTHER DAY!! But then when we left Matt told me seeing me with the baby and being motherly made him want one even more than before..... I went out last nite as DD to the Blind Horse with a couple of my single girls and low and behold, THERE WAS A FRIGGIN PREGNANT LADY!! In a bar!! I mean, WTH!!!

Trying Tiff <3

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The stress and Strain on Marriage and Infertility...

I am not sure everyone elses struggles and stress, but I do know that for Matt and I, this struggle has caused a lot of stress. I am at breaking point ALL the time. I want to do nothing but cry. He says not to give up and that a baby will happen in time. Yea, easy for him to say when he isnt the one having the problems. Sometimes Ifeel like he just doesnt care, but I know he does. I see the side of him noone else sees because he hides emotion when we are around others. He is quiet and reserved. but at home, he talks about these things. Once he has even cried. he will be 27 next month and he still has no child or any hopes of one. When I'm depressed, I get angry, with a vengance. Not only at him, but other people as well. When I am angry at him, it causes us to argue. Over stupid stuff, about how loud the tv is, how long he plays the game, you know just the little things. I know this is a problme, but even when he tries to console me, I try to find ways to make him look bad. Gosh! I am a HOOOORRIBLE person. Sometimes, I think he is just going to leave me bc I am crazy and "broken" to find someone who is fertile and whose hormones are normally balanced out. My friends think I am crazy too. I cant seem to do anything right here lately and I cant find myself. I have longed for so long to be a mother. And its hard on me.  I cant even work anymore bc it kills me to see all these young, unwed mothers and i have to think to myself, WOW they can reproduce and I cant. What is the world coming to? I am not sure just yet. I am trying to move from my apartments bc there are so many children around and it breaks my heart. Then the one girl who just movedin, just got married in jan. I have known her since HS. She has one child, BTW was born before marriage andis preggo with ANOTHER, who once again was conceived before marriage. The child she has isnt even a year old. It irritates me a lot. And then I am getting sick of people asking me when are you going tohave kids. My simple response is we're working on it and last night, I actually asked someone if they wanted details. I had reached ultimate b*tch. I cant believe I did that. ITs just some people think its like magic, and for most it is, But for people like me, it takes more than a one night stand, or scheduled babymaking. It takes a miracle by the Grace of God with the help of his people (doctors) Ok. sorry to rant. I am  just really depressed right now.

Trying Tiff

Monday, February 15, 2010

...And the day goes on...

So for those of you who are valentiney... Happy Belated valentines day. I dont really "celebrate". I have always hated the day and think it is a pointless day for you to go spend money on someone. Your significant other should show you that you are their LOVE and SWEETHEART everyday not just once... ok any way, sorry for the rant.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Winter Wonderland

The SNOW was amazing! Soft and fluffy. Real stuff. Not the icey stuff. It was soo much fun. Matt and I enjoyed a walk with Lucy Loo (my pomeranina, my furry child) who LOOOOVES the snow. We actually got enough that when she was jumping around in it, her legs where completely covered. She was jumping around like a rabbit and would pause a few mins to eat some and then go again. I hate that its gone and she has no more to play in... Then we went out and waited in the neighbors. UNtil they came out with their little ones, we had a snow ball fight and wrestled around. Then we made a snowwoman. Matt HAD to put boobs on it! But since it has all almost melted away... Its time for SUMMER. 143 days until my BAHAMAS CRUISE!! Woohooo!!
I made homemade mashed potatoes for lunch/dinner today and hamburger steak. Both were delicious but while slicing the potatoes, I sliced my finger. I reckon thats what the "finger guard" on my slicer is for. I blacked out really bad. O, it was horrible. I thought I was going to die. But I am fine. And 6 hours later, I think we have the bleeding stopped..... Still waiting on AF to go away! Valentines day tomorrow...


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

This *COULD* be the month.....

....Fingers crossed. I wasnt expecting her for another month or so, but AF decided to come pay me a visit today. Which is good and bad. Bad that I have to tolerate the pain (which will be well worth it if I get my wish) but good in the sense that I have a fighting chance this month. I am going to be really strict on myself this month. I will follow my BBT daily as well as try to be less stressed. I am going to get an OPK.... name some good ones for me..... Also, anyone else have any pointers on what I can do for myself. Maybe this can be our month!

Still Trying,