Dear Mommy's Future angel...

Dear sweet angel!

I know we haven't met yet, but I have sincere faith that we will in the VERY near future! I am still not sure how you will get here (ie Natural conception, IVF, IUI, surragocy, or adoption) but NO MATTER how you get here, YOU WILL BE LOVED! I long to meet you and hold you in my arms. Even now, I forever hold you in my heart. Getting to you has proven not to be an easy journey. I felt the need to write you so one day you may see how much of a miracle you will be to me!!!

On a daily basis I get that aggravating question.... DO you have kids? or Do you want kids? Well, why yes I do! I have worked hard for my child the past three years. I have cried many tears. And yet, at the end of every day, I still long for my child to be a part of me.

There are days when I want to give up or days when I say it will never happen. But then, I think about the love for you I already feel. There are so many dreams I have for you. So many things I want you to experience. Just know that Mommy has ALWAYS wanted you adn will ALWAYS love you no matter what you may do in life. I know you are going to make mistakes, but Ill wrap you in my arms and hope you feel the love I have for you.

Please forgive me angel, if you become an only child. After so much heartache and pain, I dont know if Mommy and Daddy could handle all this again and still give you the love that you need! We have taken every last ounce of our being to bring you into our lives that I feel very certain your attention that you will require will be limited if we try to give you a sibling. I would love to have many children but sometimes dear, things dont go the way we want them to! Take your life for instance. I wanted you at 19 and now I am 22 and I am still not sure where you are.

When its all over with Angel, Just know you have two loving parents who fought oceans to get you here. And I'll continue to move mountains until I can say you are mine.

With the most unconditional love,

Mommy

After the Trip

Ok. OUR TRIP WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was just what I needed to help me relax and take time to stop stressing about finding a job and TTC. Dont get me wrong, I still cared about TTC, but the job thing, yea didnt think about it the whole time! We went to Atlantis while in Nassau and that was amazing. We didnt even get to do everything we had hoped to do. Now, the trouble of waiting begins. Waiting to see if i got the only "soveneir" i cared about. Im not going to stress and worry, bc at this point, I will make myself sick. If this is another failed month, I think Ill go insane. Yesterday, I received a call for a second job interview at a middle school. that shows me hope in the job aspect. Now, if I can just NOT sound like a complete idiot when I go in there. I have learned there are so many more BFP in the TTC world (congrats to you ladies) as well as positives in more and more people I work with. Including another 16 year old. That is the hardest thing about working where I currently do. I see so many ppl living off welfare but yet popping out kid after kid. I mean like 6-7 kids. And then I see teen parents coming in. Who dont even really care about there child. Just wanted to give a little update. And here is a beautiful pic of the Bahamas :)

This is in Nassau (Cable Beach, behind Atlantis resort) SOOO pretty :)

On my trip to the Bahamas (july 7-12) IM changingmy identity and not returning.

Why do I feel like I am wasting all my time and energy to be the person  I want to be. This whole week has just been a mixed-emotion week. I have been on a ROUGH roller coaster and I DONT GET IT!! I also dont understand How I had four lovely cycles and then the fifth decided it was going to be 37 days long. I mean, thats better than 90+, but still. It has my hormones outta balance. And I had just got them under some what control. Oh. And today. My coworker (who just recently had her child; yall have heard my discussions) brought the baby in. ANd to my surprise, I held her. I dont know if its bc I thought about darting out the door with the child or I did it out of spite, you knwo, the kill them with kindness kinda deal? Anywho. The cruise is coming up and with recent Cycle events, I think maybe this can be our "baby moon" and the only souvenir I look forward to bringing home is BABY!! I could tell...for the first time.... that telling Matt AF came this month, That he was crushed. He knows how bad I want it, and he also knows he isnt getting any younger......

Tell Me Tuesdays

Since I have been struggling lately with what I want/need to say. I want you guys to tell me what you want to know. You can leave it in a comment and if its something simple, I can Ill answer in a comment back. But if not, Ill post a blog. Maybe that will get me out of writerss block and let you all learn some things that you want to know!!


Tiff <3

*~* Wordless Wednesday*~*

Before Infertility

Before Infertility....
I didnt know what it was like to long for the flutters in my tummy.

Before Infertility...
I didnt know I was going to struggle being Mommy.

Before Infertility...
I could look a teen mothers, and just know they were going to struggle without being mad at their blessing.

Before Infertility...
I didnt cry day in and day out just wishing for a chance to have what every one else got to experience.

Before Infertility...
I didnt dream of what my future life as a mommy would be (adoption, IVF, etc).

Before Infertility...
I was me. My life wasnt ruled by counting cycle days; temping; using OPKs.

Before Infertility...
I had normal conversations with people about my plans for a family.

Before Infertility...
I didnt know I wouldnt have a simple one-time and Im pregnant ordeal.

Before Infertility...
I was alive. I had a personality. I was a person with no cares in the world.

But that was all before infertility....... And you guys understand! I appreciate that a lot!

Baby Dust!
Trying Tiff

*~*Wordless Wednesday*~*

Graduation :) A milestone many thought Id never reach:) I did it with my baby by myside (excuse the gross-mess)